i sometimes wonder what have i been doing in the last few years. i studied for the sake of studying, did my internships for the sake of fulfilling school requirements, memorised books for the sake of exams. but now as i reflect upon those few "priorities" of my life, i certainly have not been the smartest at it. somehow, i lost sight of what was most important - the long term, and all i did was bury myself into fulfilling "the moment". short-sighted as i can be, i believed in living day-by-day. it all felt fine, a short fleeting awareness of how empty i was would flash, but i never really put much thought into it. i wish i had the foresight, to think as a kid, as a teenager what i really wanted in life, so i wont have to pause for a moment or even shrug when someone asks me "what do you want to do in life". i wish i can say im that perfect person (cant use girl because that feels too childish, cant use woman either because i dont believe im really at that stage yet). but im not and probably never will be till the day i can be really sure that i have control over my life.

life at work is getting better and im feeling less like an intern and rotating around the departments has made me less of a "rabbit in the hole" as cw likes to call it. there's still much to learn, and learning theories in class is seriously different from using it. like i can memorise the definition of "insurable interest" but if u ask me to apply it on the spot on a marine policy, i probably will need 5 mins to translate it. (just an example) prob got to learn smart from now on. there's still so much to learn and i do know what im the weakest at. i try so hard sometimes, but at the particular moment, i will just forget all i've been thinking about. i used to blame my parents on that, i dont know if i still do. but the fact is i still have that problem and thats my biggest barrier. i'll get thru it:) im glad i had the bintan trip, have a great mentor and friendly colleagues. although i must admit i probably only know half of their names, pardon my lousy memory :p claims, p&c, i'll be back to homebase 2 months later:)